—by Andrew Brawley

Last year I wrote a few posts about what to expect for the 2011 season. Those pieces were geared toward both veterans and rookies of the Timbers Army. I felt (at that time) that both groups needed to have a few issues addressed before we launched into the (now verified) stratosphere of American soccer supporter culture.

Well here we are, one year later. Last year’s rookies are no longer rookies. Veterans are now even more “veteran-ier.” In addition to the many role changes in the North End, we will have a new batch of rookies to indoctrinate into our way of life. (Is this sounding like a cult, yet?)

I don’t think we need to draw this out over a series of blog posts, so we’ll just get right to it. Feel free to add your own input in the comments section below. Keep it polite and respectful. Bonus points for being clever.

VETERANS, or those who attended Timbers matches in the pre-MLS era:

You’ve been coming to these games for how long? Man, that’s impressive! Y’know, I truly feel that this whole experience wouldn’t be the way it is today without your contributions, so thanks for all your hard work. Remind me to buy you a beer at the next match.

What’s that? No, I don’t remember when that guy played here, so your reference went over my head a little bit. Well I’m sorry, but I've only been on the planet for so many years, making it impossible for me to naturally acquire such in-depth knowledge. I’ll try better next time if you promise not to roll your eyes next time we chat.

Seriously, you know Pong outside of Timbers games? What's he really like?

LAST YEAR’S ROOKIES, or those attended their first Timbers match in 2011:

Welcome back! Thanks for sticking around and making another go of it.

Who, those people? Well I guess they’re just sitting there. I’ve never seem them before, either. Maybe they’re new this year. Well, I understand that was “your seat” toward the end of last season, but I guess it’s not your seat today. Well that’s because they got here before you did. I dunno, maybe they have a better job than you where they get out of work earlier. Maybe you could just sit behind them and show them a thing or two.

Oh don’t worry, Pong’s still gonna be right there. Hopefully he doesn’t remember you from last year.

THIS YEAR’S ROOKIES, or those who will attend their first game in 2012:

Who let you in here?! Just kidding. Thanks for joining us. Say, how did you even get tickets this year? Hopefully you didn’t buy them from scalpers.

Here, have a chant sheet. (Or, watch these videos.) Give yourself some time to learn the chants.

Well I guess you COULD sit in section 107, but you really don’t have to. We have 16 sections to choose from, and even more seats than last year, so there’s plenty of room for everyone in the whole North End. Yeah, I used to sit in the 100’s, but sometimes I just need some space, so now I tend to sit in the 200’s. OK, I might be a little older than you, but I’m not that old. It’s just where I like to watch the game from. Sure I still chant and sing and jump and scream. Why wouldn’t I?

Oh, that guy down there yelling at everybody? That’s Pong. He’s great, but you might wanna wait a few weeks before you sit in his section. And by his section, I do mean HIS section. Just watch a few games from within viewing distance and see if you’re up for it. You might think he’s scary now, but if you've got the goods, he’ll be your best buddy by the end of this season. I promise. (And no, he’s not a hair farmer…at least I don’t think he is. You never know with that guy.)

GUYS:

There will be more of us in the stadium this season, but the number of urinals has not increased with us. Let’s cut the chit-chat and get our business done in a brisk, hygienic fashion. And please, for the love of all that is sacred and holy, wash your hands. (Clean hands = more goals.) Also, don’t bring your beer into the bathroom. It’s gross.

LADIES:

Honestly, I got nothin’ for ya’. Keep up the good work.

KIDS:

The lyrics are actually as follows:

“thank your woman and bring her beer”

“and we’ll yearn to study lots”

“you’re so silly it’s unbelievable”

This is an opinion piece and does not necessarily reflect the opinion of the 107ist or the TA.