—by Andrew Brawley

After months of weighing the pros and cons of such an announcement, it is with heavy heart that I announce the following:

I am a Sounders fan.

I realize this may come as a shock. However, these feelings have been eating away at me for some time, and I just can’t torture myself anymore. I also recognize that posting this news online on April Fools Day may bring the validity of this announcement into question. However, I cannot delay my feelings, so this falls under the category of pure coincidence. I assure you, this is no joke.

My constant barrage of mocking Sounders fans in the form of lame memes and labeling them as MLS’s version of Juggalos is just my way of lashing out at the world. In truth, I love wearing face paint. I love a chant library that consists of only a few key songs, and especially one where the loudest, most successful chants use only one-to-two words repeatedly. I want to live in a world where fans of all other MLS teams hate me out of sheer jealousy of the fact that my team has innovative kit colors, celebrity ownership, and a marching band.

I realize this will put me at odds with my now former Timbers Army comrades. All I ask is to be allowed to roam the streets of Portland with my new collection of Sounders kits without incident.

To my new friends, the long-time Sounders faithful, please accept this sincerest apology for my past statements. I’d like to start with a clean slate as I join your ranks.

Sincerely,

Andrew Brawley

This is an opinion piece and does not necessarily reflect the opinion of the 107ist or the TA.