—by Andrew Brawley

Quite often, I get quite a few Timbers- or Timbers Army-related thoughts into my head in rapid-fire succession, and I have to pick and choose which ones to write about. Then I have to determine whether it’s justified to dedicate an entire (!!) blog post to just one topic. Lately, it’s been a bunch of smaller things that have made their way into my brain. Rather than let them sit and collect dust, I figured maybe it’s time to do a little bit of house-cleaning and empty my brain of these things. Hopefully I don’t come across as some kind of ADD-riddled version of Andy Rooney…especially with those eyebrows of his.

First, let’s start with the nice things:

• If you’re looking for a ticket to the upcoming Vancouver (May 26) and Seattle (June 24) matches, a TA season-ticket holder is auctioning off one ticket to each game in a package deal, and the proceeds will be donated to Harper’s Playground. This is a good way to get hard-to-find tickets AND donate to a worthy cause. Get on that!
• Portland scored more goals than Chicago last night. At Jeld-Wen Field. Which is our home turf. This all means the Timbers won at home. Feels good, eh?
• Despite my constant ripping on vegans and environmentalists, I really like the GO BOX initiative at JWF. If you haven’t signed up for it, you really should.
• Here’s a great shot of the TA last night after a goal that caught a couple embracing in celebration (courtesy of the Timbers' Facebook page). Despite my past objections to making out at Timbers matches, I was actually forced to clarify my position by a few friends. It’s one thing if you’re hugging and kissing in celebration of a goal. It’s another thing to just be forcing attention onto your own action while blocking the action on the pitch. If I wanna watch people get down, I can do that on the Internet for free. If I gotta pay to watch someone make out, I better be in the state of Nevada. If you gotta make out at JWF, make sure it’s after a Timbers goal. They score…you score. More goals leads to sexy time, which leads to more TA babies. This is known as a win-win-win…we ALL win!

 

OK, now some not-so-nice stuff:

• Fellas, the amount of hand-washing I’m seeing in the men's bathrooms at JWF is appalling. That’s because I’m hardly seeing it happen at all. Remember, clean hands = more goals. The towel dispensers should be empty. And to add to my previous point: clean hands > more goals > sexy time > TA babies.
• Also, some guy was standing at a urinal at last night’s match, cell phone in one hand, and “doing his biz” in the other. C’mon dude, really?! It’s bad enough there’s a line out the door due to lack of urinals. There’s already a delay tactic in the form of above-urinal advertisements that seem to make the wait even longer. Now you gotta tweet or text while emptying your bladder? Your Man Points account is about to go into default.
• It’s unfortunate that the TA must do so much self-policing in the North End, but clearly it’s still quite necessary. Apparently the need for some folks…let’s just call them ‘n00bs’…to throw things is too much to overcome. Regardless of whether that object gets thrown on the pitch or not, it doesn’t matter. Throwing anything aside from streamers at the opening cue or after goals is not cool.
• Am I the only one sick of the Juggalo factor in the North End? The amount of face paint I’m seeing is a bit troubling. I might be on an island on this one, but the use of face paint on adults bothers me. I have no problem with kids doing it. It’s fun for them, and totally acceptable. Probably because they’re kids, and that’s what kids get to do. But seeing full-grown adults spend hours carefully applying face paint to show their devotion is rather off-putting. It also really bums me out when I see one of these Juggalos used as a focal point in a story posted on the official Timbers web site, or any MLS team for that matter (except Seattle…they can use all. the. Juggalo. pics they want. I get that you wanna show your wild, unwavering devotion to the Timbers. I get that you wanna make the TA look dangerous and out-of-control. There are so many other ways to do this. Make a two-stick. Buy a shirt from the TA merch van. Scream till you lose your voice. Grow a Mohawk. Covering your face and body with paint just can’t end well, especially when you start sweating through it as our days get warmer. If you must, get a face tattoo. We’re Portlanders…we still find those people to be mostly employable.

This is an opinion piece and does not necessarily reflect the opinion of the 107ist or the TA.