—by Roger Anthony

For those of you who missed it, too bad. At Wednesday night’s performance of “Shed Culture,” stars were born and legends were enhanced.

About 350ish people turned up at the Alberta Rose Theatre to see the largely live and larger-than-life stage show birthed by the online radio phenomenon “Shed Culture,” which spreads the love and lore of the Timbers Army via Cascadia.fm.

First, the cons: Bathroom lines were remarkably long. And, as might have been expected, there were waaaaaaaay too many dick jokes – on the stage and not, thankfully, in the aforementioned lines.

Now, the pros: Here are six (of many) highlights from the evening:

1. Merritt Paulson came out and did a little radio-station-style Q-and-A with Hermes. Asked what he'd give the TA for Christmas, he said something to the effect of, "We already have a lot of good things. But we need to get some silverware. We've got trophy cases that are way too empty."

Merritt first came on stage during a group therapy sketch in which he was one of three people seeking counseling. Obi played a Sounders fan and came onstage in a puke green S**ttle jersey. That attracted so much attention and hostility that most of the audience didn't notice Merritt until it was his turn to speak.

2. John Spencer, who is out of town and appeared in a Q-and-A video, was introduced by Purple Cow as "a man with two first names."

3. One of the opening skits involved a new line of merch being developed by the emerging conglomerate that is ShedCo. An exercycle appeared center stage, and was soon put to the formidable task of whipping Barnacle Brian into insta-shape. BB enhanced the offensive line build that nature gave him with body padding that made him look even bulkier.

After a few turns on the cycle, Brian retreated behind a dressing blind (those screen things you see in old movies) and was presumably changing: You’d see the pads he was wearing being tossed out from behind the blind and onto the stage, and you kind of expected him come out in a skeleton costume or something.

But instead, Troy Perkins who walked out, clad in sky blue uniform and brandishing the "Supporters Player of the Year" belt presented him at the last game. It was the first of several truly great moments, and everyone not standing in the restroom line stood up and chanted "Perkins ... Perkins ... Perkins!"

4. The “Shed Culture” crew managed to track down Peter Yeates, the guy who did the 1975 recording of "Green is the Color." Yeates sang, and had the audience join in on the chorus.

5. As you may have noticed, there's been a partnership of sorts struck up between the Timbers and Oregon Ballet Theatre. It goes beyond mere sponsorship -- last night, Channel 12 was running a bit about Futty Danso preparing for his turn on stage in one of the two ongoing OBT holiday-season shows.

Anyway, as an outgrowth of that, “Shed Culture” included a charming little "Dance of the Ultras." Three capos -- evidently selected by tattoo volume -- came on stage and basically stood still while a trio ballerinas from OBT classes pranced and pirouetted around them. Eventually, the capos swept them off their en point-ed feet and hurriedly carried them offstage as if they were flares in Rio Tinto.

6. The evening’s final bit began as another high-culture segment. Patrick Scofield of Portland Opera strode on stage in a tux, carrying a sheet-music stand upon which he placed several bits of sheet music.

He began singing in a deep, deep basso profundo. Initially, the piece was extremely slow, and the lyrics seemed to be in Russian.

At that point, it seemed as if this might be the cue for an encore by the lovely young ballerinas. Instead, the song continued, the tempo shifting from slow to moderate.

And then ... the lyrics began to include some recognizable syllables. The rhythm quickened. And right before your ears and eyes, the tune morphed into -- the Tetris Dance!

That was the cue for 350 or so people to leap to their feet, sing along and dance to their right and left.

Best of all, another show is already in the works. Make sure to keep the evening of Jan. 26 free.