As much as I don’t care to participate in sequels, I felt the circumstances justified a rehash of this modern classic. (Seriously, I still get asked about it these days. Thanks Deadspin and Seattle PI!)

In our last edition, I proposed curbing your alcohol intake on the day before a mid-day match on Sunday. In theory, less hangovers would equate to a more lively crowd to cheer on the boys in green. I still support this idea, but the overall response leaves me to believe that the pure concept of Sober Saturday is not reasonable. Apparently Portland has a penchant for beer and/or spirits. Who knew?

(Full disclosure: even I didn’t observe the original Sober Saturday, as I was returning from vacation on the east coast that day, and sitting in FIRST CLASS! That’s too long of a flight to not partake in the offerings. Plus, did I mention I'm a baller?)

With the upcoming perfect storm of a Sunday 4pm kickoff, a nationally-televised match, projected triple-digit heat, and the crapheads from craptown crossing the Interstate Bridge and invading our ‘hood for a few hours, perhaps it’s time to discuss a more appropriate version of Sober Saturday, one that Portlanders can be more willing to adopt.

I now present a list (in no particular order) of beverages considered to be acceptable for the new iteration Sober Saturday.

Hefe Shandy

By Widmer Brothers

It’s Hefeweizen, which is beer. We like beer. It’s also Shandy, which is not beer. I’m no scientist, but this seems like a local craft beer with slightly less beer in it, therefore making it appropriate for this occasion.

Zima

By Coors Brewing

It’s clear, which probably means it’s better for you. Hell, you’re probably an idiot for NOT drinking it. Which might explain why Japan is not made of idiots, cuz that’s the only place you can get Zima these days. Book your flights today!

Jack and Water

A collaboration between Jack Daniel Distillery and Portland Water Bureau

In a nutshell (which, ironically, is what Jack Daniels tastes like), this is an American whiskey that’s “cut” with water. It’s pretty simple. If your pouring ratio is exactly 50/50, you could have two of these and feel as is you just had one full drink of Jack Daniels. Consult your nearest mathematician for details. For a unique spin on this classic, try it with fluoridated water, which can be obtained 10 miles in any direction outside of the city of Portland.

Iced Tea w/ Chamomile Liqueur

A collaboration between J. Witty Spirits and the Lipton Tea bags in your pantry

If you like to make your own iced tea in the summer, add a splash of this chamomile liqueur to give it just a minor kick. And I do mean minor. This liqueur is only 40 proof, which is the equivalent of a packet of Splenda sitting out for a decade to naturally become some form of alcohol. No joke, this is my summer jam. I used to get this stuff at New Deal Distillery, but I haven’t been there in a while, so I can’t say if they still carry it or not.

Note: the author does not necessarily endorse, nor was paid by, the products / makers mentioned above. However, the author will accept free products from said makers cuz diapers ain't cheap.

Double-note: please drink responsibly.

This is an opinion piece and does not necessarily reflect the opinion of the 107ist or the Timbers Army.